Another Wild Super Bowl in the Books

Another year and we’ve been blessed with yet another amazing Super Bowl. It seems like every year nowadays the best game of the year is the final, which is how it should be. But this year not only did we get a Super Bowl that went right down to the wire, we also got an enormous upset perpetrated by a certain well-endowed, satin-soft-handed backup quarterback named Nick Foles. The Philadelphia Eagles have finally won a Super Bowl after over a half-century drought, and as you’d expect, the city of Philadelphia is on life support right now.

I’m not sure this was quite the greatest Super Bowl of all-time, but it’s pretty fuckin’ close. Big Dick Nick Foles’ Eagles and Tom Brady’s Patriots combined for 1,152 yards during the game, the most in any NFL game played in the regular season or the postseason—ever. This game was all you could ask for as a football fan: tons of yardage, a couple of turnovers, that marquee big hit (sorry Brandin) and only ONE punt. Just one. That shit’s gotta be a Super Bowl record. Tommy ‘Birdman’ Brady tossed the rock for 505 goddamn yards and still couldn’t secure his NFL-record sixth Super Bowl ring. He didn’t shake Big Dick Nick’s hand after the game either, probably because he didn’t wanna be emasculated by Nick’s enormous, manly mitts, but still. The GOAT just didn’t have that clutch mojo going for him for in this year’s Super Bowl, probably because Folesy was hogging all of it.

Super Bowl LII MVP Nick Foles only threw for 373 yards, which pales in comparison to Brady’s numbers, but he made the plays he needed to make when they were necessary. Not only is Foles going down as one of the all-time biggest beauty’s ever for calling his own number on fourth and goal and converting thanks to his silky soft hands, he also went 10-for-13 for 171 yards, two touchdown passes and that touchdown grab on 3rd and 4th downs during the SB. If that ain’t the definition of clutch then I don’t know what is. The final three scores for the Eagles all came on 3rd or 4th down, and they all came thanks to Foles’ blessed and charitable hands. AND this motherfucker Foles was a backup quarterback for pretty much this whole season.

The QB didn’t do it alone though, as safety Malcolm Jenkins chased the Patriots’ best wideout, Brandin Cooks, from the game after removing his head from his body on possibly the biggest hit in Super Bowl history. Jenkins was also right there when Tommy Two-Shoes couldn’t haul in a pass to convert on a third-down trick play, yapping “Come on, Tommy” at the GOAT as the QB walked away with his head hanging. Meanwhile the embattled and well-traveled Foles tossed touchdowns of 34, 22 and 14 yards while also snagging a 1-yard touchdown reception on his own call (‘Hey Brady, betcha can do it like me’) that will undoubtedly go down in NFL lore as one of the gutsiest and cheekiest calls any beauty ever made. The Philly Special. It’s too bad Folesy wasn’t able to celebrate on the stage with Philly comic Kevin Hart—the little guy was absolutely sauced and denied access to the stage by a man likely more than twice his size—but Foles seems like a pretty lowkey guy anyways. Besides, Eagles fans don’t need Big Dick Nick’s help to celebrate the victory, they’ll tear their city down in joyous celebration all on their own.

Kevin Hart did eventually get his time to shine a little while later on the set of NFL Network, but his impromptu visit came to an abrupt end when he blurted that Philly “gave a fuck” about something during his hilariously slurred monologue. Will Smith, another famous Philadelphia son, celebrated by putting together a funny little video for us online, but it’s the nameless, unheralded and truly diehard Eagles fans that we’ve gotta check up on. For the most in-depth coverage of that shit-show, Barstool Sports has some hilarious videos out chronicling the descent of the city of Brotherly Love into Purge-like chaos and anarchy.

Kids dancing on top of cars, people proposing in the streets, people working as a unit to knock over a goddamn Prius, dudes both hanging off of and knocking over light-poles was just the beginning. We’ve also got shit on fire, we’ve got guys literally eating shit (really dude?), guys doing extremely ill-advised trust falls from roofs, frat bros busting up Macy’s windows and just generally fucking shit up, someone’s auntie trying to stop this madness because evidently they’re “better than this” and a Philly-based anchor finding out the Eagles won on-air and fully losing all of his shit (above tweet). There was a beauty who ripped a seat right outta that stadium and smuggled it all the way home (bravo, sir), a truly diehard guy who tattooed the Philly Special x’s and o’s on his arm and many, many more fuckin’ wild individuals celebrating in Philly. And come on, who doesn’t love a Fuck Tom Brady chant?

Back to the game and the hottest topic after any game the Patriots win or lose: the officiating. Personally, I thought Gene Steratore’s crew did a great job as a whole. There were only six penalties for 35 yards called on the Eagles and one penalty for five yards called on the Patriots (hard to find a game where the Patriots didn’t have less penalty yards than their opponent, trust me). But I appreciated the refs standing back and letting the game be played by the players. No one likes to watch a game where you see yellow flags flying around every other play. Other than that, both of those Eagles touchdowns were called correctly, and if anyone really believes the zebras should’ve called a pass interference on a Hail Mary on the final play of the Super Bowl, they are living in an alternate universe. For the Corey Clement touchdown, it was a pretty close call as to whether that third foot touched in on the painted area before sliding onto the white, but to me possession was already secured and the third foot wasn’t even necessary. The fact that it was called a touchdown on the field was a big help as well. Don’t even get me started on the Zach Ertz touchdown (above). If you do something after catching the ball that would constitute travelling in the NBA, that means you’ve made the catch and become a runner. Using that logic there’s no question Ertz took several steps, dove towards the end-zone (a ‘football move’ as well) and broke the plain before the ball popped up into the air.

Chris Collingsworth, I don’t know how much the people of Massachusetts are paying you or how many hookers they promised you over there, but that was without a doubt the most obviously biased Super Bowl call I’ve ever witnessed by a commentator. Maybe in any game ever. It honestly felt like I was listening to one of those small Boston-based TV stations with obviously biased announcers who are supposed to cheer for their team. I’ve really come to appreciate Tony Romo as an announcer this year, and I found myself longing for his much more balanced and more importantly fucking correct analysis throughout the game. I mean, this guy Chris was calling Clement and Ertz’s touchdowns as incompletes right from the very first replay, barely having even looked at a replay. At least make it a little less obvious Chris, c’man. I thought I might be the only one, but it’s evident that everyone noticed his ridiculous performance and Twitter proceeded to give him a what-for.

One of the big storylines during the game and for the past few days after the conclusion of the game has been about Patriots no. 1 corner and Super Bowl 49 hero Malcolm Butler and his absence from the game. I mean, he was there, and it looked like he was crying during the anthem pre-game, but the Patriots never put their best defensive back in, despite their pass defence getting absolutely ravaged and pillaged from start to finish by Big Dick Nick Foles. The prevailing theory out now is that Butler missed curfew on Saturday night before the game and when he was confronted by Patriots officials upon his return he was found to have weed, which definitely doesn’t fly with Billy Belichick. According to the source, Butler broke down and pleaded with the officials but evidently, his pleas fell on deaf ears as one of the best players on the Patriots porous defence was forced to watch with his hands tied behind his back as his teammates were ripped to shreds by the Eagles offence. I know Bill was trying to go ‘team-first’ here, but did it really end up benefitting his team or Doug Pedersen’s?

Big Dick Nick turned into Mr. Steal Yo Lombardi on Sunday.

The Patriots probably didn’t even think they’d need Butler, what with the Eagles countering the GOAT with a well-endowed backup QB. Though Tom Brady had one of the best statistical performances of his career, the magic wasn’t there in the clutch and his defence did him zero favours. In fact you could even say they did him like negative 3 favours, they gotta buy him dinner and a new sound system or something. Fortunately for Brady, Josh McDaniels spurned the Colts’ head coaching job which he was generally thought to have already taken, thereby re-igniting the Colts-Patriots rivalry according to the Colts GM Chris Ballard (who just so happened to be represented by Josh McDaniels’ now-former agent). Until you figure out what on god’s green earth is wrong with Andrew Luck’s arm, I think you should relax on the trash talk there Chris. Either way, Brady will be back next year with McDaniels once again at the helm (Brady’s best passing seasons have all come under McDaniels), though that already-porous defence has lost its coordinator, as the bushy-bearded Matt Patricia has accepted an offer to become the Detroit Lions head man. Why anyone wanted a guy coaching such a terrible defence to be their head man is beyond me, but I guess they expect that some of Billy Belichick’s coaching greatness rubbed off on the guy. Do the Lions usually cash in on gambles like these?